Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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