I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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