It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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