I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
