Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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