I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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