party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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