i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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