I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
