No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
