So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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