I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize