she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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