Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
