I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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