Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
