she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
