I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize