Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
