I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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