i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
