Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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