remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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