SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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