the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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