Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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