Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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