Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
