I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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