so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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