last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
