as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
