Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
