He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
