hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
