just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
