I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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