So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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