Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
