It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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