He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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