Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
