Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
