dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
