girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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