if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
