In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
