captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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