Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
