We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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