textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
