The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
