i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
