a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
