Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
