craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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