Four minutes until I can fart!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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