Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
