chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Randomize
