come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
