If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
