The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i now understand why vodka
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
