I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
